Posted on Feb 14, 2019 #fitness
For as long as I can remember, I have always been called FAT and was overweight. It made me feel unconfident, insecure, ugly, and shy - I hated myself inside & out.
When I graduated from high school, my birthday gift was a gym membership with a weight loss plan. I followed it religiously, killed myself working out, punished myself for eating or even craving food. I thought this would make me feel & look beautiful and make others like me, accept me & approve of me. As I kept losing weight, I did feel proud of myself but I still felt that I looked fat. So I joined a dance class to add my physical activity and I lost more.
On and on it kept going until I lost 25kgs. Yet whenever I looked at myself in mirror I was still that Fat Ugly girl.
Over the years, I left the gym, left the dance class and started exploring working out on my own while still punishing myself with extreme workouts. That’s when I stumbled across Yoga videos on YouTube. I started doing them for the same purpose. Meanwhile, I chose acting as my profession because one of my friends suggested that I should try it out. It added more fuel to the fire. Everyone told me I needed to follow a diet, fix my skin & teeth, learn to dress up, a personal gym trainer to tone my body and more. Mind you, I already did ALL those things! I wasn’t earning anything; my mother paid for all of that.
But, throughout those years, I never asked myself: Did I really want to be an actress? Or was I just doing it to feel loved and validated?
When someone asked my why did I want to be an actress, I gave answers that I heard other actors saying like - they feel alive on stage, they feel like they can be anyone, they feel a sense of freedom while performing – I poured my heart to feel all those things while acting so that I could sound more believable. And did I? No. And in this journey, I had become lonely, I was surrounded by people, I worked with them, shared my time and the stage with all but I couldn’t open up to anyone anymore except my boyfriend.
When it came to auditioning, I gave reasons like "when I don’t have acne, I will go for it" or "when I lose a few more pounds, I will go" or "when I get the right part offered, I will go." I barely gave 10 auditions in the past 3 years. I kept to my theatre group where I was comfortable and felt like I belonged.
I started getting severe anxiety attacks and I shared what I felt with my boyfriend but it didn’t help. I knew I had to do something. So, I chose to put acting on hold and focus on myself - my mental & physical health. I was tired of hating, blaming, punishing & isolating myself from people.
One day, I was thinking of an alternate career option & I thought to myself apart from acting what do I know? I remembered creating a workout plan for my boyfriend one day which helped him. I realized, over the years, I had developed understanding and knowledge about Yoga and creating workout plans. I had noticed that most of the trainers in the gym and in fitness Studios were focused on earning rather than genuinely helping their clients get healthy. I could see how they misguided their clients. That was one of the major reasons why I left the gym and started practicing Vinyasa Yoga through YouTube channels like Fightmaster Yoga, Yoga with Tim, & Yoga with Adriene (I didn’t have a good Yoga class in my city).
The flows that were created always intrigued me & made me question how & why this particular sequence.
That’s why I chose to do my Vinyasa Yoga Teacher Training at Mysore Yoga Teacher Training Institute (Samyak Yoga) in Karnataka. To be honest it was like an adventure for me. I was 25 year old & this was the first time I was travelling alone, living alone in a different state for a month. It was a life-altering experience which made me believe that all is going to be well after this.
When I taught at Samyak Yoga, I felt confident and I never felt like that when I was acting or even dancing. I spent 3-4 years of my life learning how to be “in the moment.” When I taught, I realized I was there - in the moment. I felt good about myself & it felt good to help someone feel energized. That’s when I chose to teach Yoga back home. It’s been 5 months.
I am teaching and practicing Yoga. I feel happy and confident to say that I am a Yoga Teacher. I never felt this when I told someone I am an Actress. The Teacher Training made believe in one thing about Yoga:
It always makes you proud of your growth but makes sure that you stay grounded & humble at the same time.
I currently have 6 clients with different needs and I consider myself fortunate to have their faith in me. I make sure to teach them the way I would want to be taught by someone. I want to make them feel proud and grateful for their body.
That’s what Yoga is all about.
Love & Light,
Anupama Vijay Udawant
Share on Facebook
Share on Twitter
Share via Email
It’s a simple question that we get asked a lot as yoga instructors.What is a Sun Salutation and why is it important? After all, this simple series of asanas is included in almost every single yoga p...
First things first, pigmentation is very normal, and you shouldn’t be sad to have it, because just like wrinkles, pigmentation can also be a sign of ageing, but but but…. There are many things you can...
We all want that experience that experienced meditators talk about.That magical time when you’re totally and completely relaxed and in a sort of euphoric, beautiful state. It’s calm and quiet. You’r...